I lost my innocence last Monday

On the 9th of November, 2009, I was given the opportunity to attend a concert at the local arena here in the city of Grand Rapids. I wasn’t familiar with the band and never heard their music, but I knew enough of them to know it wasn’t my cup of tea. However, it’s not every day that I get to hang with a group of medical professionals…heart surgeons, neuro-surgeons, P.A.’s, surgical technicians, etc….nor is it every day that I get to see a concert from one of the luxury suites at the arena. My banjo student Kathy Tuinhoff is a surgical technician on one of the cardiac teams at Spectrum Hospital in Grand Rapids, Mi., and much of the staff attend events like this to unwind, socialize, bond, let off steam, etc. The doctors are very generous and arrange a suite at the arena for everyone, and all-in-all they have a great time. I think Kathy took pity on me because she knows I don’t get out much. I mean, think about it: what do banjo players use for contraception? Their personalities! So it’s no shock that I’m not exactly a local socialite. Kathy offered me a ticket to the concert and the chance to go hang out for dinner before the show, and I said “sure!” It’s not my style of music, but how bad could it be to go see a group called: METALLICA?? *gulp* (When I typed that, all at once I heard a clap of thunder, the lights went dim, and the animals grew quiet…)

Devils and satans and demons…oh my!

The anticipation of the evil is killing the crowd!

The evening started off very nicely when I met Kathy at one of the local hip hotspots in downtown Grand Rapids for a meal before the show. The rest of her colleagues were supposed to join us for dinner and drinks, but only one co-worker made it. Hmmm…ah, yes, I figured out the problem. Two banjo players in the same room, sucking all the “cool-ness” from the rest of the hip patrons at this local hot spot. Her co-workers seemed to have “meetings” and “obligations” that kept them away from eating with us. Kathy, I think your mistake was telling them that I am your banjo teacher. Two banjo pickers in the same room are bad enough, but at the same table? Too much. They were afraid the “suck” would rub off on them.

After dinner we walked over to the arena and got settled in to the suite, which is a great way to see a show. Good view, nice accomodations. Seperate entrance. Private bathroom. The rest of the staff filtered in a few at a time. Very nice people. They hid their banjo-aversion well.

The first group up was Volbeat. This is where the trouble began. My education was about to start, and I had the sinking feeling that I was going to feel violated before the evening was over. I wasn’t wrong. Part way through their set, I decided to take a stroll near the concession stands and t-shirt vendors to see if I could find a crucifix or rosary beads vendor. No such luck.

The next group up was called Lamb Of God. Really?! How nice! I thought to myself: “ah, they must have started with the worst first by featuring Volbeat as the opener. Surely it gets better with a group called Lamb Of God.” Ummm…it didn’t get better. Ladies and gentlemen, Lamb Of God is evil incarnate. Kathy counted the amount of times the lead singer said the “F” word in 3 minutes. It was more than 8 times. The guitarists could have just revved chain saws into the microphones and it wouldn’t have sounded any different than their guitars. Maybe better. And I have never heard sounds come out of a human body like the lead singer was making. I’m getting chills typing this. He was throwing his body around and grimacing and gesturing just as if he was singing lyrics with feeling and a message. The problem is he wasn’t using words to convey that message. I’ve never in my life even thought that it might be possible to growl, scream, grunt and vomit as a way to communicate all while trying to be heard over chainsaws. I kept waiting for the aliens to pop out of his chest. This is art?! Really?! The crowd went nuts. REALLY?! Do you ever feel like you are the only one not in on a joke? When there are 40,000 others in on the joke but you aren’t, you really start to wonder. I asked one of the servers from the arena if there was anywhere I could locate a bible or some holy water for protection. He didn’t think I was funny. Most people don’t.

The play-by-play

Next up was Metallica. Their evil meter was dialed back considerably compared to Lamb Of God, but I gotta tell ya, I still don’t get it. It was a stage full of noise, tension, and ugliness. The singers had microphones. I’m not sure why. I think what was happening with all three groups is that they were trying to produce some facsimile of singing songs, but I can’t figure out why go through the motions if you aren’t going to use words. The problem is that the human race has pretty much settled on words, much like I am typing in this article, as the preferred medium for being able to communicate ideas, emotions, thoughts, and instructions to each other. I can produce the same effect of trying to deliver lyrics through screaming and growling here; what follows is a great poem I wrote. Check this out:

$%^^%$#<<,, 8jmn8lpu9 &^%GJKIIH ||||fdSFRYUH)(*^&*&^%&^%

Isn’t that beautiful? Deep and meaningful, I know. Wait…what was that, Mr. and Mrs. Metallica fan? None of that made sense, you say? You couldn’t understand it, you say? Hmmm….were you at the concert on Monday?!

As a service to those in my life who follow my Twitter and Facebook updates, I decided to play the roving reporter that night and send updates from the scene of the crime, sent in as 140 character text messages. Here, for your edification and amusement, are a reprint of those updates. (Tweetie is the program that I use on my iPhone):

1. On the way to see Metallica downtown Grand Rapids4:53 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
2. The stage prior to Metallica coming out http://twitpic.com/oxv6y7:43 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
3. Ok one of the opening bands is Lamb Of God. My ears are bleeding. This is not Godly music. I think God is crying. OMG7:51 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
4. I’ve heard more melodious noise come from a demon-posessed person at an exorcism7:52 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
5. This is worse than a banjo player being stuck at a bagpipe convention7:58 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
6. Thank goodness for free tickets in the suite. I’m still hopeful that the banjo solo is coming…8:00 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
7. This guy is singing…well, screaming…with body gestures, grimaces and enthusiasm as if people can understand anything he is saying.8:15 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
8. The head spinning around and projectile vomiting should start any minute…8:16 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
9. The mosh pit has begun. Note to self: suggest a mosh pit for the bluegrass festival at the next association board meeting8:20 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
10. The heavy metal death thrash rock group is done and now I’m waiting with bated breath and trembling anticipation for Metallica8:39 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
11. Now ladies and gentlemen, the group we’ve been waiting for…the group that some of us travelled all the way from exit 12 to see: Metallica!9:10 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
12. Awww, how cute. The nuns from St. Mary’s Catholic Preparatory Academy are slam dancing in the mosh pit9:11 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
13. I love how they capitalize on the dynamic range of the arena. They are exploring the space & really telling a story. Rock on my brothers9:21 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
14. I believe girl scout troop 63 was one of the major sponsors of this concert tonight9:22 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
15. These guys are getting older, but still putting out the image of being cool. I wonder if they feel cool during their yearly clonoscopies?9:27 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
16. This is hard sitting through this, even with free tickets. Now I know how people feel at my stage shows. I’m sorry everyone.9:40 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
17. I leapt from the railing hoping the crowd would hold me over their heads and pass me around. The crowd parted like the red sea. Hard floor9:50 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
18. Metallica just did “You Light Up My Life”!!! Wow, these guys have quite a repertoire…10:14 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
19. I tried. I really did. Stayed as long as I could. I had 2 go. U can take the boy out of the geek, but you can’t take the geek out of the boy10:27 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
20. Here’s the amazing thing: people pay money for this experience. No really! I saw a whole stadium full of people who did. I don’t get it10:29 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie
21. And now thanks to the strange odiferous herbal treatment that was in the air I don’t feel so good. People pay money for that too! Huh?!10:35 PM Nov 9th from Tweetie

 It’s truly a great country we live in

As you can tell, I’m not a fan of this genre. I can’t even begin to try to understand someone who expresses themselves the way these bands do. I’ve been in the arts community for many years, and while I’m no liberal touchy feely N.E.A. hippy everything goes kind of guy, nonetheless I do consider myself to have an artistic flair of sorts. There are some formats of artisitic expression that we might not like, but that if we take an objective look at it we can kind of say “oh, yeah, I get it”. Heavy death thrash metal isn’t one of them, for me. I DON’T GET IT. Never will.

Having said that, isn’t it great that we are residing in the greatest country in the world, where we’re all free to express ourselves in any way we want? For all we know, the lyrics of these bands may have been denouncing the government and saying they hate America or that they want anarchy to rule or down with Republicans or jail the banjo players, or any number of things…we’ll never know; only those bands have any idea what they were vomiting into the microphones because they decided to communicate without words, just gutteral noises, which didn’t work very well…but the cool thing is: they are free to say what they want! We are all lucky to be able to have the freedom to cower in fear and mumble the Lord’s prayer while the prince’s of darkness rev their chainsaws on a stage in front of 40,000 depraved fans. Oops…umm…no, that’s not what I was doing, I’m just saying…

Banjo Paul
“Wunse, I coodn’t even spel bango pikker…now I are one!”
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