Too loud, too obnoxious

Let’s face it. Bluegrass banjo players are the scourge of the earth. Everyone knows it. Every dang time you try to have a nice, peaceful little artistic jam session, those damn banjo players come charging in and stinking up the place with their loud, obnoxious instruments! Who invites these people in here?! And, to quote Tony Soprano, if more than one banjo picker shows up: fahgeddaboudit!!! What do you call a banjo player at a convention of musicians? A visitor!! Sheesh! Is there anything to be done about this plague on humanity? Read on…

Bluegrass banjos aren’t for the faint-hearted.

There’s nothing like the sound of a banjo, unless you are comparing it to the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner. It takes a real man or woman to want to tackle the banjo. There are several traits that set the banjo player apart from mere mortal men and women. Thick skin. Lack of counting ability. Two brothers with the same name. Heck, just the ability to take criticism alone is an important learned skill that every banjo player demonstrates with Olympic level ability. From the day we take up this instrument we are faced with leers and jeers, innuendo and double-takes, cruel banjo jokes and harsh taunts. And that’s just when we phone the music store to ask about their stock of banjos!! Once we settle in and get used to the public ridicule and find a good therapist, we tackle the instrument with gusto and tenacity. We revel in the volume level coming out of this thing. It grows on us, consumes us. We drop our chores, our homework, or social networks. We start hiding in closets and lurking in woodsheds, chuckling and mumbling with devilish delight as we pluck and pick and realize just how powerful this new tool is. Much like Gollum’s ring, this instrument creeps into our psyche, our very subconscious, until it’s become our muse, our little symbiotic life force! “Ah, my precious!!!!” we exclaim as we hunch diabolically over our instrument, chuckling menacingly and plotting the overthrow of every jam session we will encounter. It’s really a very scary scene.

Self-help program for the bluegrass banjo player

It is actually possible to break free from the evil force that grips the lost souls who take up bluegrass banjo. We can fight the red menace! If all up-and-coming banjo pickers would be conscious of a few things as they are picking, we could start to see the goodness and light returning to the craft. The violent black thunderstorms hovering over any place the banjo pickers go will slowly start to clear away, revealing the light. Come on banjo pickers, let’s step into the light….

*) How can you tell it’s a banjo picker at your door? The knocking speeds up and they can’t find the key

The guitar pickers reading this have just picked themselves up off the floor and can hardly breathe from laughing. It’s sad but true: banjo players start too fast and end up going at light speed by the time the song is done. It’s time to remedy that situation banjo-philes!! Playing fast is fun, but it’s really important to learn to end the song at the same speed you started it. If you start fast so be it, but if you end faster that’s a problem. Be consistent on your speed. What’s the best remedy for this affliction? The metronome!! Get one. Learn to pick to a metronome, and teach yourself that if you start at 150 b.p.m., you should be ending at 150 b.p.m., not 375.

*) Why do banjo pickers play fast? Because we can!

But…just because we can doesn’t mean we should. I know, banjo players, it’s shocking. Here’s a little secret I’ve learned: almost no one wants to try to jam to Foggy Mountain Breakdown with us as we go 463 b.p.m. Can you believe that?! It doesn’t hardly seem possible does it? It’s true. Focus on bringing your picking down to human level, or even a bit slower. Here’s a profound statement that I heard once and I repeat it often, usually pretending that I made it up:

Good banjo players can play really fast. Great banjo players can play slow.

Try it! How good are you at playing lead and back up on a slow hymn or some syrupy love song like Tennessee Waltz? I know what you are saying to me right now, but no, I promise it’s true: people do want to play slow, syrupy love songs!!

*) Why don’t people like to jam with me? Because I won’t shut up!!

I remember when I was just starting out at the tender age of 16 or 17. I went to a jam session where Sleepy Les Weber was in attendance playing his mandolin. I was kind of a mousy little shy kid with no fortitude, but boy was I having fun rolling that banjo! At one point while Les (long retired at that point and long since passed away now) was playing his lead break on his mandolin, he suddenly just stopped dead in his tracks, mid-song, and he  turned to me right in front of all the pickers and said very acidly: “you know, I never could stand it when a banjo would roll behind my lead break!!” *gulp* Well gollee-bob-howdy let me tell ya, that taught me a huge lesson and almost made me wet myself at the same time. Banjo players, learn to play tasteful, clean back up that doesn’t drown anybody out or step on any toes. Your very best remedy to being overbearing and stealing someone’s thunder is to just stick to a basic chop when accompanying other people. You’ll develop a feel for when you can stick in some decorative rolling, but be conscious of your place in the jam. Make the other pickers sound better, whatever that takes. Often it takes you shutting up!!

*) My doctor said I was crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion, so he said “o.k., you’re ugly too”.

I don’t know why I threw that in there. There’s no therapy for being ugly. Or crazy. (There are just really strong meds to treat crazy.) There’s so very little hope for being a banjo player as it is, but you add those other afflictions on there and it’s a losing battle for me. Skip this blog item. Next…

*) Wait a minute! Are you telling me all songs aren’t in the key of G?!?!

You may not believe this, but people expect to be able to sing a song in a range to match their voice. The capo is a good method for cheating and being able to play more songs with key of G fingering, but do yourself a favor and invest some time learning your neck and being able to play in other keys than G, with and without the capo. You’ll be glad you did. So will the fiddlers.

*) Why is there a banjo player in a bluegrass band? Cause if there wasn’t, everyone would hate the fiddler.

It’s sad but true. No one wants to sit seething over the fact that they have to stand the caterwauling of the fiddler through an entire jam session or stage show, so that’s why it became customary to add the banjo picker to the lineup. The rest of the band need to deflect criticism off themselves and the banjo player is ideally suited for receiving it. It doesn’t have to be this way; I think with concerted effort on behalf of all of us banjo players, we can correct our bad habits and let the picking community fall in love with us. Learn your neck, learn to play well in keys other than G, don’t play everything at break-neck speed, finish at the same tempo you start the song in, and don’t roll obnoxiously and loudly behind the other pickers and singers. If you adopt these good habits, we can end the banishment and join the other pickers proudly. (Well….alright, guitar players, you got me there….not going to happen. A fella can dream can’t he?)

What do you think?

If you have any thoughts on the topic, I’d love it if you would scroll down to the bottom of this post and fill in the comment box. You’ll need to sign up with a username and password, but that’s easy. Once you do, you can either join in the public ridicule of the banjo players, or leave some other helpful tips that might help a beginning picker to be more socially responsible. If nothing else, perhaps you know of a good clinic to have your banjo player spayed or neutered at?

Banjo Paul
“Wunse, I coodn’t even spel bango pikker…now I are one!”
www.banjosrule.com (main site)
www.mybanjolife.com (blog)
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